Using Permission-Seeking to Build Respectful Relationships

Permission-seeking can be sometimes feel uncomfortable for us as professionals. The thought of taking a step back and seeking input from the individuals we support can be a daunting prospect. Sometimes, without even realising it, we naturally assume the role of authority figure, to make us feel less vulnerable and to ensure that we always remain in control.

However, when we take sole charge of a situation, we remove responsibility and ownership from the individual. For the children, young people, and adults we support, this approach can sometimes be disempowering and lead to feelings of helplessness. It can result in low self-esteem, making the individual feel like their voice is neither heard nor valued. This, in turn, can put an immense strain on the relationship.

Benefits of permission-seeking

When we seek the permission from the individuals we work with, we empower them with increased agency and autonomy. By permission-seeking, we present people with the opportunity to say ‘no’; we allow them to influence what happens next; and we instil feelings of confidence and belief.

Ultimately, permission-seeking allows us to generate mutual trust and respect, both of which are necessary for building and maintaining strong, positive relationships.

Mutual trust and respect in practice

The relationships with those in our care can sometimes be difficult to navigate, and striking a healthy balance between decisive leadership and professional vulnerability can be hard.

Through fostering feelings of mutual trust and respect, we can create positive and supportive environments for both individuals and staff members; environments where everyone’s contribution matters.

What might that look like in practice?

1. 1. Movement: If we would like a child, young person, or adult to move to a particular place, we cannot assume that putting our hand on their elbow to steer them is acceptable. We need to be respectful of personal space and ask for permission to touch. A non-physical hand gesture can often guide the individual just as effectively.

1. 1. Communication: We can sometimes become impatient when somebody is trying to tell us something at an inappropriate time, for example when we are busy.  Rather than putting an immediate stop to the conversation and risking hurting their feelings, instead we can respectfully let the individual know a more appropriate time might be. By specifying an exact time and place, we reassure them that we want to listen and that their voice is important and valued. To maintain trust, we must always make sure that we follow through with our promises.

1. 1. Model expectations: Simple acts, such as using a ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, opening a door for somebody, or asking whether they had a pleasant lunch, demonstrates a respectful environment. We can lead by example, helping the individuals we support recognise when they are being treated respectfully.

1. 1. Facilitate daily talk: Everyone needs to feel like they have a voice and that we genuinely want to hear it. Positive relationships develop when we invest the time to talk and listen. This doesn’t need to be a timetabled event, but a quick check in and catch up with one another. These moments are key to showing that we care for the individual and that their voice is important to us.